Love.
Just four little, insignificant-when-independent letters. So simple, at a glance. One syllable, rolls right off the tongue.
But that word is a lightning bolt. It's huge. It's gorgeous. Just looking at it on this grubby, finger-print covered computer screen is pleasing to my eye. Just one of them, though. Isn't it crazy what colossal emotions such a tiny fragment of language can make you feel? I look at that word and my heart literally beats. Good thing too; I'm only 23 and I've got a few years left in me.
Mind you, this sappy outpouring of emotion is coming from a pretty tough chick. I wear biker boots, ya'll. Tough. Weaker females have wet themselves before love's "e" even has a chance to take center stage, and go weak in the knees at the term's audible sound. llluuuuuuhhhhvvvv. It's like butta.
Love is easily the most massive guilty pleasure of all time. Man, woman, canine,
Rainbow sprinkles do come close. They're just sugar! It's genius!
Still, no cigarillo when it comes down to it. Love simply takes the cake, sprinkles and all.
But the crazy thing about this crazy little thing (see what I did there?) is that it's present even for those who have yet to experience it. I have plenty of girlfriends who have never technically been in love, but they still get it. In their own way, of course.
I always wonder; does my love feel the same as everyone else's does? I think what I've realized from personal experience is that love, for me at least, is not like it is in the movies. Sure, parts are reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of stuff. But for the most part, I'm not looking for the fairy tale. I'm after what's real, and it's all about the mundane.
It's the way I feel when you smile after I make an awful joke.
It's how I think its charming that you sometimes keep me up all night with your appalling sleep apnea and phlegm-charged snoring.
It's the fact that I would truly rather lay there sleepless for hours than leave you for the night. I am making myself nauseous, holy shit.
Over the past few weeks, I've realized that I no longer like the man I'm dating. I love him. It crept up on me like a dark thief, and to be honest I didn't even realize it until I nearly word-vomited it out on him without a thought in my mind. I literally had to scoop the words out of the air surrounding my mouth and shove them back in the face-hole they came from. My face was, I can only imagine, moistened with sweat and as red as my own hair after such a close call, but I'm sure he attributed it to menopause. A mere hot flash!
I'm a middle-aged broad when it comes to maturity. Little did he know, I had just alerted myself to the hard truth. I love this guy.
So, like any flustered, scared, insecure gal, I've been living in limbo ever since. I feel like I've been sitting on a see-saw, and with all this up and down action my ass is really freaking sore. They say love is a battlefield. They aren't fucking kidding. My life has become a violent and strategic war-game. I am neck-deep in the trenches; only problem is that I'm my own worst enemy here. Is there anything more torturous than the first "I love you" in the context of a relationship? I find myself asking any number of questions. Do I really love him? Do I tell him? How would I even go about it? Most importantly though, what if he doesn't feel the same?
Once I was able to answer questions 1, 2 and 3, I was left with that monster of a 4. It took some serious soul searching and a real show of true emotion for me to realize that it shouldn't matter if he doesn't feel the same. Here's a novel idea: maybe I should just say what I feel. Whoa!
I think I've come to realize that loving someone isn't about what they say back. If I really love him, it has nothing to do with whether or not he loves me, too. I love him not as a means of asking for reciprocity; I just, very simply, do.
Aaaaaand so. To You. Reading this post. Hi there. I imagine you in one of a few ways right now. You're either smiling really huge and your jaw hurts, or that same jaw has made its way to the floor. You're leaning forward, entirely too close to the computer screen just to make sure you're reading this all correctly. You're probs a little sweaty and maybe even holding your head in disbelief.
Soon you'll show your Mom and brother. Maybe Dad. You may also be on the verge of vomiting. If that's the case, I am so, so sorry.
Regardless of your current position, (and until I can say it in person), I love you. There it is. Ya got me.
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