history lessons.

The internet is a dangerous place, man. As a student of multimedia journalism, I'm well aware of the power of technology to track me down as I bounce from site to site on my laptop regardless of the so-called "security settings" I choose. No firewall can keep your bidness locked away forever; even if we delete our shameful past www's (my Myspace page still claims that I am inspired by the Backstreet Boys), you better believe they can still be excavated from the years and years of Internet traffic we create.
We're surfing the web in shark infested waters, and I forgot my fucking wetsuit.

I'm logged onto the Internet all day long. Between my smartphone pushing shit my way every 30 seconds, journalism labs and my own laptop, I'm truly never unplugged. And while I don't typically obsess over the FBI following my online presence, I've been thinking lately about what exactly my browser history says about me, without any defense to support my cyber searching.

The conclusion is this: over the past 24 hours, my Firefox history indicates that I am either a lesbian or a cat-lady.
Maybe even both; we already have pussy in common. (I hate that word, had to make the joke, sorry Mom.)
Point being, I've created my own version of internet porn, and it revolves around infant animals and Colombian sex-pots.
The single most popular site on my recent history is called ZooBorns. A close runner up? Google Images of Sofia Vergara. You may know her as the seriously bangin' Gloria on Modern Family. Lets be real, if I ever gas-up for a road-trip down lesbian lane, she'd make a wonderful husband.

Constantly being online in and of itself is a guilty pleasure that has taken contemporary society by storm. For many of us, the Internet is where we do our "dirty work"; its a place where we can ask questions and find answers about our interests that we prefer to keep to ourselves. I'll never forget that tingle I felt at the age of 12 when I used Ask Jeeves to find out what a blow-job was. (You put it in your MOUTH!? Omg ew, no way!) And while it took at least twenty minutes for Jeeves to fetch me my answer via dial-up modem, he turned out to be a worthy butler and I am eternally grateful to his snobby French ass for aiding in my sexual education.

Let me talk to you about ZooBorns. I cannot get enough of this godforsaken site. ZooBorns is an absolutely brilliant weblog that uploads pictures of newborn animals from Zoos across the world to allow softies like myself to nearly hemmorhage from cuteness overload. And while I don't necessarily agree with the concept of exploiting animals for their looks, the business is dirty and sex sells.

That has nothing to do with this.

Last weekend, my roommate walked into my cave to find me neck-deep in a pile of baby animal photos boring holes through my eyes. I kid you not, I stared at that screen for at least an hour gaping at the never-ending photo catalogue of babes. Each animal brings a different sentiment. Who needs a shrink? I do. Take a gander at these bambinos and you'll experience a whirlwind of emotions you may not have even known you had...

Holy spots, tell me that is not the most adorable nugget you have ever laid eyes on. On a green polka-dotted background, no less.
Spots on spots. Spot ON. See what I did there?

Even for a Jewish vegetarian, these piglets are delicious. Treif has never been so appealing. Look it up, gentiles.

Eel? Worm? Diseased penis? All wrong. This is a baby Caecilian. Precious right? ZooBorns doesn't discriminate.

 

How did my baby modeling picture get in here?! So embarassing, that is not supposed to be in here, seriously.

Oh my god. Could you die? I could die. I have to stop looking at these creatures. I'm about to explode! 

I think you understand the point of ZooBorns, and I also think any of you who think this is a ridiculous hobby to continue should go dart-gun yourselves in the neck. I dare your stubborn ass to not click over to ZooBorns. Double dog dare.

On to Sofia though. 

Let me explain. I promise I wasn't just horny and down to try switch-hitting with a voluptuous South American. 

Modern Family happens to be a brilliantly written show, and one that I love to watch. Sofia Vergara's character is a hoot, and I wanted to know where the bitch came from. Among other dirt I dug up on her, I discovered that her beautiful brown locks are naturally BLONDE. I was appalled. An imposter! And so, I began scanning pictures of her on Google images. Is that a crime? I don't think so. Perhaps the fact that I Google-mapped her house and already have a teddy-bear video camera installed is. I just want to see how the other side lives!!!! 

Can I plug Google any more in this post? Probably. Google.

Alls I'm sayin is this: should I ever depart this earth unexpectedly, I'd like to leave my browser history in the hands of the children. 

Take it and walk tall knowing that your online presence couldn't be nearly as pathetic as mine. Happy surfing!