facebook slut!

You can tell a lot about a person by their Facebook profile. I find myself hypothesizing whether or not a person is "my style" based simply on the additions to their personal information on FB. I can tell you with confidence that a person is incompetent, witty or trying too hard with a few simple clicks of the mouse.
Hasty? Maybe. Accurate? Maybe. You bet.

My own profile says a lot about me in very few words. Should a stranger to my person take a gander at my info tab, I've ensured that said stalker would get an immediate vibe of "is she boring? No she's just simple".
Low-maintenance. Lives in Austin. Enjoys deceased Latin American pop-stars (R.I.P. Sel) and is totally into peace.
That's about all the 411 I freely give away, and you'd better believe it was well thought out.
Others, though, use Facebook to sell themselves. Between women, there is always an unspoken competition. Its just there; sometimes in our subconscious, sometimes right out on the table in our dueling cupcake batches we brought to the party. I just really wrongly used gender roles against women, what?? Facebook is one of the places where I can measure up my competition in a way that is discreet and oh so telling. The site has become a brothel of sorts, only there's no happy ending.
I know women who pour their hearts out on their social networks, seeing nothing wrong with advertising the fact that they were dumped by their boyfriend yesterday because they are fat and/or boring.
And he can go fuck himself!!!! You tell 'em, girl.

Facebook has become our own personal sounding board to broadcast our views, likes (literally), dislikes, updates and almost anything else our quivering fingers can bang out. Our "walls" allow us to cyber flirt, stalk, talk and share just about anything we'd like; information enough to get a feel for any active user.

Still, there's something far more intimate about browsing a person's personal information tab.
We put thought into the things that we say in this area.
Does this reflect who I am? Can people relate to this? Am I proud of the fact that my favorite musical artist is Miley Cyrus and that I love the Jersey Shore? If you are that person, shame on you more power to you. You can freely upload those preferences and share them with others who share your terrible taste. Networking, y'all!

I'm guilty of making big decisions based upon Facebook information.
Oh, her favorite TV show is Dirty Little Liars? Probably incompetent.
Two of his profile pictures are shirtless mirror shots? I'm actually celibate, sorry!

And while this is certainly judgmental, I don't think I've ever been proven wrong after appraising a bad profile. But there's a method to my madness, folks. I'm well aware that many people make their profiles look stupid on purpose, for laughs, if you will. With others though, there is simply no room for explanation. There are a few deal-breakers that immediately result in the label of "dumb bitch":

Bad Quotes: As a lover of words, I understand the attraction and power of a meaningful quotation. I also understand that a vast majority of the quotes out there are extra-sharp cheddar cheesy and come off as a desperate cry for attention from the opposite sex.

Behold: the oft used and frequently scoffed at by yours truly Sex and the City quote:

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone, just as wild, to run with."
-Carrie Bradshaw

 Translation: I've never had a boyfriend and I'm getting desperate; this sounds like a great excuse. I need a Xanex.

The same can be said of just about any quote by Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn that litter the cyberspace of so many forlorn ladybirds fiending for a man's touch. They're foaming at the mouth via Arial Narrow, and while you may see an innocent excerpt from a bombshell's iconic mouth as their virtual wallpaper, I see an empty box of chocolates that was self-purchased on Valentines Day and a desperately drunken addition to her "about me".

The Self-Portrait: Gag-inducing every single time. Why? Why is this necessary? This attempt at sensuality is appropriate only for drugged-out 80s rock-stars and baby prostitutes. Not only does this breed of harlot clearly have an issue with her own self-importance, making friends also seems to be a hurdle she can't quite clear. Red flag, fellas. Start dating this one and you'd better saddle up for an estimated two months of kissing pictures by your own hand ("your arm is longer baby!") and glitter lipgloss accentuating your pout.
Two months max. You'll see.

♥♥♥: These hearts know no boundary. When I see them, I see myself. And when I see myself, I see myself on the ground in a pool of my own vomit. Unless you are under the age of 18, these graphics have no business in your life. Do yourself a favor and graduate to the emoticon.
Far more elegant, far more becoming. You're a big girl now!

Passive-Aggressive Status Updates: You know the kind.
Here are a string of consecutive status updates from my favorite passive-agressor. This girl is for real.

"Dear girl in my math class; if I dont understand a problem please don't roll your eyes and make a stupid noise; your annoying me and just cause you can do it doesn't mean you should put other people feel stupid."

"Not even worth itttt." (Extra t's for emphasis, obviiiii)

 "just sooo tired of it."

"i really hate when people act like they are so much better than everyone else. ugh"

"i'm really tired of people playing other people to the left, do you think you could just tell someone if you don't want to go out, smh people piss me off."

And finally,  

"who wants to go out tonight????"

Who DOESN'T party girl!? Can't wait to listen to R.Kelly and slit our wrists. Text me!

Hay tan ejemplos mas pero necesito salir. Te quiero mucho y vamos a hablar mas tarde. Clean up your profile! Big Brother is watching!